High School is when one must experience life outside of home. Experiences such as going to house parties, taking a train out to the city, watching a movie with friends almost every weekend, meeting up with guys very late in the night, and the list goes on. Having such experiences was not an easy task to take on since I have many responsibilities that come with being the eldest child. But one weekend in Philadelphia made me feel like all the other seniors in high school.
My older cousin took three other people and me to Philadelphia saying that we would just go to attend Phillyfest, which was basically an Indian dance competition. I was very much interested since I studied dance for thirteen years. I was totally unaware of the fact that my cousin and the other three kids had an entirely different agenda and that I would be fine with being a part of it. Within the first night itself of reaching Philli, all five of us and three other college kids had gone to a Fraternity party and had tried to get into a club. I had the time of my life! I went on an entirely new and exciting adventure where no parents were around to tell me what time to get home at. We had as much fun as we could and came back as late as we could. I definitely took my time that weekend to my full advantage. The second night was even better. We all went to a hotel room to party with other kids from our church. But the night got a little crazy when a few of the kids got wasted. The receptionist at the hotel threatened to call the police if we didn’t leave immediately. I definitely didn’t want my night to get spoiled so I gave her $60 bucks so she would not call the police. To my surprise she refused and said that she will put me in jail if my friends and I did not leave immediately. I was so embarrassed. We left before the receptionist could continue to threaten us even more. I soon realized that I took my freedom to a whole new level where for a moment I seemed to have forgotten my roots.
Your story was lovely because it had a sense of humor to it. You write with a fun energy and I'm glad you stepped over your boundaries and were brave enough to talk about it.
ReplyDeleteI would say that you have a good story line going here and you should elaborate on it. Tell more about your friends getting messed up and how the receptionist found you. Also, a contradicting point to your story was that church kids were getting drunk. Normally, people find this an oxymoron so I think you should play that up more in your story. Otherwise, it was a fun excerpt to read.
Your story describes a weekend in which you seemed to have a lot of fun, and you backed this up with many examples. You were able to hide your lie very well with all of the details. However, writing $60 bucks is grammatically incorrect. It should be either $60 or 60 bucks. Also, when you said that you tried to get into the club, you didn't inform us if you actually got in or not, and if not why.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed how you were able to depict a life of innocence into one of partying. However, I believe that you could have been much more descriptive when describing the nights. I feel like you should have added more details and examples of your experience in order to keep the story interesting.
ReplyDeleteI think your story was well written and supported by many details and examples. However, I did find a couple of grammatical errors. For example, in the fifth sentence of the second paragraph instead of saying "get home at" you should say "be home." Also, i think you should elaborate on how your weekend made you feel as if you forgot your roots.
ReplyDeleteI must confess, for someone that's new to the lifestyle and parties, you definitely set the bar high for yourself . I liked the way you started of as being a responsible child then you transitioned into a wild child and then you concluded it with you going back to the real you which is the responsible child.
ReplyDeleteI found your story very amusing. I liked the flow and narrative of your story. I liked how you described the different events you experienced that weekend. However, I think you should elaborate more on what you took away from the experience.
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ReplyDeleteI think that you wrote the narrative well and the beginning definitely kept me interested I just think that you could have just elaborated a little better with description of each day. So for example you can set the setting and describe what was around you but overall I liked the story line.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your story and I think it's very well written. It attracted my attention and kept me interested. The last sentence in the first paragraph served as a really good transition between the first and the second paragraph. I think the second paragraph can be divided into two or more separate paragraphs.
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